He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
