turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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