theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize