I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
