In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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