FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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