What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
