On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
