OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
