Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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