I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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