Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
