How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
