This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
