I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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