September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
