not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
