If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
