Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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