I showed him my bush... on skype.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
