So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
