upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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