I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
