forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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