Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
