Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
