Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
