JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
