under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
