R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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