Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
