I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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