I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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