I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
