I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize