1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
