saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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