what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
