I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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