my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
