so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
