Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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