I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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