the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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