My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
