69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize