Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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