I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
