so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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