Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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