I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize