i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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