I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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