I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize