1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
