The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
