I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
