You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
