I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
