When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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