I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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