Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
