I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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