About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
