you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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