The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
