so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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